The loneliness of motherhood

I wrote here about how being a mum has made me the happiest I have ever been in my life.  It’s true, on the whole I am so happy.  But something in me isn’t quite right.

I’m sure hormones are partly to blame; but honestly, I think I’m lonely.  It sounds odd – how can I be lonely? I have my baby girl, my husband, family, close friends. I barely have a minute where I am alone. I leave my house and go to work in a real office with real colleagues and real clients and have real conversations with real people several times a week.

But what I’m missing is people in my boat. Others at the same life stage who have similar values to me.  I’m missing my tribe.

Here’s my problem: I don’t think like other mums. I’m not interested in judging and comparing, gossiping and complaining.  I just want to get on with it.  I want to come to your house to talk, laugh, hang out.  I want to feel at home in your home – make tea, help you fold your washing (who wants to fold washing alone!), talk about the joys and the difficulties without being given ‘advice’, without needing to compare and contrast and definitely without judgement.

Motherhood can be so isolating. I’m still looking for my tribe.


 

16 COMMENTS

  1. madelinedavey | 21st Oct 16

    Aaaw i feel you!
    Although i don’t work, i stay at home with my 2 children while my husband works. I have close friends, but i still feel so alone alot of the time. All my life it’s taken me to find a few people even close enough to call my real friends, and even then i still feel like i burden them with my problems or opinions and such.

    • Lucy's Locket | 21st Oct 16

      I’m sure they don’t see you as a burden! That’s what friends are for – to share the good and support you with the bad 🙂

  2. Topfivemum | 12th Nov 16

    I felt like this for the first 3-4 months after having my second baby. Most other mums around me were either first timers (and able to meet other mums for coffee and walks) or second timers with older toddlers who were at nursery (so could still go for coffees and walks).

    I only have an 18 month old age gap between my two and my eldest only goes to nursery one day a week. It feelt very lonely in those first few months as I tried and seemed to fail at looking after them both as well as I’d have liked. I haven’t met anyone with such a small age gap so feel like I haven’t found my ‘tribe’ yet either.

    I’m also stuck at home all afternoon to work around naps and feeds (still 6 months on from having my second). What I’d love more than anything in the works is for someone to just pop over for tea while I’m stuck waiting for them both to wake up. You’re more than welcome to come and help fold my washing too LOL (I’ll provide cake. Shop bought…haha, no time for fancy baking) Ruth xx

    • Lucy's Locket | 12th Nov 16

      My sister and I are 18 months apart. I love the small age gap. I’d like to have mine close together too (18 months was the plan, but not so lucky yet).
      That’s what I feel I’m missing too, just casual catch ups. Nothing fancy (including home baking haha), just some company from someone who gets it. Maybe we will have to keep each other company via the internet 🙂 xx

  3. shinnersandthebrood | 15th Nov 16

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling alone. It is so hard at times. Can you manufacture a tribe? I did. I put myself out there by going to toddler groups and activities. I couldn’t relate to everyone I met but I have a handful of really good mates as a result – and yes, the kind of mates that have seen your house upside down and don’t care, the kind of friends who will land in to my kitchen and start making themselves a sandwich! They are out there for the taking becuse, to be honest, I think every new mum is looking for the same thing! I know it’s hard when you are working too but maybe there’s something on Saturday mornings in your neighbourhood.

    There should be a tinder-esque app for new mothers, I reckon! #DreamTeam

    • Lucy's Locket | 15th Nov 16

      Haha maybe you can design one! Could be a good idea!! Yes I only work 3 days so go to mothers group, swimming etc and have signed up for playgroup next year. I think it just takes time to get to know each other and get beyond the typical baby talk. Glad to hear you manufactured a tribe too ???? thank you for your thoughtful comment xxx

  4. Winnettes | 15th Nov 16

    This is so true. I have never quite been able to put my finger on it but this is partly it. I have two mum friends who I can do this with and one of them is because we have been best friends since we were at college. I still feel lonely though because both of them live over a 30 minute drive away. I can’t just pop round for a glass of wine whilst the kids have dinner and nor can they. I had no idea how lonely motherhood was going to be. I had no idea how little time I would have to complete a thought without being interrupted.
    #DreamTeam

    • Lucy's Locket | 15th Nov 16

      That’s just it. We need normal, easy, no effort, relaxed. And time to finish a thought would be nice. I never used to be forgetful, but I am so forgetful these days!

  5. Louise - Mummy Miller | 16th Nov 16

    It takes time, I think anyway, I have friends from pre children who had children before me, but they all live just that bit too far away. In the past couple of months I have met some lovely mummy friends and we have just clicked, there’s a group of just three/four of us and we do a class twice a week and then usually meet up at least one other day. It took me well over 6 months to find them and those 6 months were pretty lonely, I just assumed when I was pregnant you would instantly find a group of best mummy friends when you had a baby (how naive I was!) #DreamTeam

    • Lucy's Locket | 16th Nov 16

      I just assumed nothing would change with my usual friends. How naive was I!?

  6. mummymiller | 16th Nov 16

    It takes time, I think anyway, I have friends from pre children who had children before me, but they all live just that bit too far away. In the past couple of months I have met some lovely mummy friends and we have just clicked, there’s a group of just three/four of us and we do a class twice a week and then usually meet up at least one other day. It took me well over 6 months to find them and those 6 months were pretty lonely, I just assumed when I was pregnant you would instantly find a group of best mummy friends when you had a baby (how naive I was!) #DreamTeam

  7. bridiebythesea | 22nd Nov 16

    Oh lovely, I just want to give you a big hug! I totally understand what you mean – I’ve felt like this so often too. I think it takes a long time to find your tribe and unfortunately lots of new mums get sucked into this world of doing everything perfectly that it comes across as judging you, which is so unhelpful. Now almost 20 months on, I have met a few girls who I would consider close friends and we seem to have the same mindset about motherhood. Hope you;re okay and I think it’s great that you’ve written this and are so honest about how you feel. Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam xxx

    • Lucy's Locket | 22nd Nov 16

      Thank you! One of the reasons I started this blog was to talk about these kinds of things, as I don’t know many people who are going through the same thing. I can tell you it has made me feel SO much better already.
      I’m glad you’ve found your tribe. Thank you for your lovely comment xx

  8. Hayley @ Mission: Mindfulness | 14th May 17

    I sooooooo get this. I wish you were in my neighbourhood. I’d love it if we could hang out. Much love xx

    • Lucy | Leaning In | 15th May 17

      I’d love to hang out too Hayley! We have no plans to come back (I don’t fancy the plane journey!) but if anything changes I’ll get in touch for sure! xx

  9. Hayley @ Mission: Mindfulness | 14th May 17

    Awwwwwwww I so get this. I wish you lived near me so we could hang out. Take care and keep positive (I know you will) xxx

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